Why Understanding Attachment Styles Isn’t Enough
Attachment styles in dating are a hot topic at the moment. There’s so much social media out there about anxious and avoidant attachment styles and chances are high that this is not the first time you’re reading on this topic. I’d like you to take a step back and think about why you are here and what you are really looking for.
You’re probably looking to improve something about your dating life or your relationship. Maybe you have a dating situation with a particular person that doesn’t go as planned, maybe you are generally frustrated by the modern dating world, maybe you are looking to understand a dynamic or conflict in your current relationship. To summarize, you are seeking to understand why things are the way they are, but ultimately you want to change something, you want to know what to do.
You’re right as a first step you need to understand what’s not working and then decide what to change i.e. what to do. That’s where attachment theory can provide a helpful foundation.
Yes, there already is a lot of information on attachment styles out there, but…
There’s also a lot of poorly researched (or even false) information out there and most of what you will find on social media is too condensed (short videos or checklists). People copying from others doesn’t make it any better. The number of videos on “Is he avoidant or not?” or “5 Signs you are anxious attached” is growing every day.
I don’t want to give you another checklist here, but if you’re interested in learning more about attachment styles, I invite you to check out my e-book “Authentically Attached™️”. In the first part of the e-book, I will give you a concise overview on the four main attachment styles based on latest research. But that’s not the main point of this post…
The truth is: Understanding attachment styles is not enough
Knowing your own and your partner’s / date’s attachment style is a great starting point. It helps you understand yourself and the other person, the relationship dynamics you’re in and you realize you’re not alone in your experience. But it doesn’t help you figure out what to do—it just helps you, well… understand. However, in the end, you want to improve your dating life, you want something to change, right? Maybe it’s the dating or relationship dynamic you find yourself in or your own emotional patterns (the emotional rollercoaster). So what is the next step?
Dating advice such as guideline and scripts are not the solution
There’s already a lot of dating advice based on attachment styles such as “how to get an avoidant to chase you” on social media. Initially, this can be useful. However, consider the following:
If you rely on guidelines to decide how to act, you’re dependent on someone else’s instructions. Unfortunately life and people are a lot less predictable that following a step-by-step recipe. Maybe you get step A right, but what if the outcome is not like expected? Then what?
Following behavioral guidelines doesn’t change how you feel inside; it just masks it with a behavior. You might end up doing “the right thing,” but still feel what you’ve always felt. As a result, the behavior won’t feel aligned and may even seem manipulative.
Imagine this: What if everyone followed dating advice, men and women? How should we know when someone is being authentic or just playing a game? Yes, most of the time we’ll sense it, but that sense of inauthenticity is not what’s creating an emotional connection between two people. And what if he picked the wrong script and you’re turned off by a behavior that isn’t really him?
I think you understand where I’m heading, dating scripts had there place a few years ago as first forms of education based on attachment theory, but they have their limitations. So what can transform your dating life (or relationship) for good?
What creates lasting change in your dating or relationship dynamics is this
I developed the concept of becoming Authentically Attached™️, because THERE IS a way to change your dating or relationship life for good! As you might have guessed, it starts with you, because that’s the only way that…
You gain full control over your experience, not anyone else.
You won’t need any guidelines because you’ll be able to rely on your inner knowing (wisdom, intuition,…) to choose the right behavior.
Your decisions, such as whether to text or when to let go of someone, will feel 'just right.' They will feel deeply aligned with who you are, the kind of decisions you never regret.
Your behavior will feel aligned and authentic for the other person, which is the basis to create trust and a real emotional connection.
You will start attracting people who are aligned with who you are and what you truly want and desire.
Are you ready for this?
If you’re ready to go beyond understanding your attachment style and start making authentic, lasting changes, download the my free e-book “Authentically Attached™️”. You will learn not only about attachment styles, but also understand what it means to be Authentically Attached™️ and how to become that.
